Anker Susan. Real Essays with Readings with 2009 MLA Update

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WRITING ESSAYS

Chapter 9 • Revising Your Draft 137

The following essay shows how transitions link ideas within sentences

and paragraphs and connect one paragraph to the next. It also shows an-

other technique for achieving coherence: repeating key words and ideas

related to the main point. The transitions and key words are underlined.

I thought I would never make it to work today. I had an important

meeting, and it seemed as if everything was conspiring against me. The

conspiracy started before I even woke up.

I had set my alarm clock, but it didn’t go off, and therefore I didn’t

wake up on time. When I did wake up, I was already late, not just by a few

minutes but by an hour and a half. To save time, I brushed my teeth while

I showered. Also, I ﬁ gured out what I was going to wear. Finally, I hopped

out of the shower ready to get dressed. But the conspiracy continued.

The next act of the conspiracy concerned my only clean shirt, which

was missing two buttons right in front. After ﬁ nding a sweater that would

go over it, I ran to the bus stop.

When I got to the stop, I discovered that the buses were running late.

When one ﬁ nally came, it was one of the old, slow ones, and it made stops

about every ten feet. In addition, the heat was blasting, and I was sweating

but couldn’t take off my sweater because my shirt was gaping open. Now

I was sweating, and perspiration was running down my scalp and neck.

At least, I thought, I’ll dry off by the time the bus gets to my work.

In fact, I did dry off a little, but the conspiracy didn’t end there.

When I ﬁ nally got to work, the elevator was out of service, so I had to walk

up ten ﬂ ights of stairs. I was drenched, late, and inappropriately dressed.

By the time I got to my desk, I knew that the hardest part of the day was

behind me.

PRACTICE 5 ADD TRANSITIONAL WORDS

Read the following paragraphs. In each blank, add a transition that would

smoothly connect the ideas. In each case, there is more than one right answer.

Answers will vary. Suggested answers follow.

EXAMPLE: Today, many workers are members of labor unions that

exist to protect worker rights.

However,

until the 1930s, unions did

not exist. In the 1930s, Congress passed laws that paved the way for

■ TEAMWORK

Practice 5 works well as

a collaborative exercise.

Have pairs of students

try to ﬁ nd at least two

transitional words to

ﬁ ll each blank and then

discuss which word

seems more appropri-

ate and why.

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WRITING ESSAYS

138 Part One • How to Read and Write in College

unions.

After that,

workers had the right to organize, bargain, and

strike.

Today,

unions are a powerful force in American politics.

1. The modern-day vending machine is based on an invention by a Greek

scientist named Hero, who lived in the ﬁ rst century C.E. The machine that

he invented required that the user insert a coin.

When, After

the coin fell,

it hit a lever.

Then,

out came the desired product — a cup of holy water.

When

Jackie Robinson joined the Brooklyn Dodgers in 1947, he became

the ﬁ rst African American to play major league baseball in the twentieth

century.

Because

he was the ﬁ rst, he was faced with what was called

“breaking the color line” and received many death threats.

After

a few

seasons of playing well, he spoke out against discrimination against

African Americans.

During

his career, he played in six World Series and

won the National League Most Valuable Player award in 1949.

3. Alcohol affects women more quickly than men. This is because women

have more fat tissue,

and

men have more muscle tissue, which has more

water than fat tissue.

When

men drink alcohol, it is diluted by the water

in muscle.

But, However, In contrast,

when women drink, the alcohol is

more concentrated.

Therefore, As a result,

women get drunk sooner.

PRACTICE 6 ADD TRANSITIONAL SENTENCES

Read the following essay. Then, write a transitional sentence that would link each

paragraph to the one following it. You may add your transitional sentence at the

end of a paragraph, at the beginning of the next paragraph, or in both places.

Many teenagers today do not date in the traditional sense — one boy

and one girl going on dates or “going steady.” Instead, they go out in

groups rather than as couples. This gives many parents a sense that their

sons and daughters are safe from premature sex and possible sexually

transmitted diseases.

Answers will vary.

■ For more practice

in achieving coherence

in writing, visit

Exercise Central at

bedfordstmartins

.com/realessays.

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WRITING ESSAYS

Chapter 9 • Revising Your Draft 139

Although teenagers do not pair off romantically, they are getting

plenty of sex, just not with people they care about. They care about

their friends and don’t want to risk ruining friendships, so they “hook

up” with strangers they meet while out at night or online. “Hooking

up” means having sex with someone, and many teens hook up only

with people they have no other contact with, preferably from different

schools or towns.

Although teenagers often think that sex without emotional involve-

ment will avoid heartbreak and breakups, many teens, both girls and

boys, admit that it is difﬁ cult not to develop feelings for someone they

are physically intimate with. If one person begins to feel an attachment

while the other doesn’t, a distancing occurs: That hurts. It’s a breakup

of a different sort.

Teenagers have always experimented with ways to do things differ-

ently than their parents did. Trying new ways to do things is an important

stage in teenagers’ development. Experimentation is normal and some-

times produces better ways of doing things. According to most teens,

however, the “hook-up” isn’t the answer to heartbreak: It’s just another

road to it. Perhaps teenagers are destined to experience some pain as they

try out what “love” means.

PRACTICE 7 ADD TRANSITIONS

The following essay has no transitions. Read it carefully, and add transitions

both within and between the paragraphs. There is no one correct answer.

Answers will vary. Possible answers shown.

Skydiving is the most thrilling activity I can ever imagine. I was scared,

euphoric, and proud during my one skydive. I would encourage anyone to

have the experience of a lifetime.

First,

I was scared as I looked down out of the plane, ready to

jump. The ground was barely visible. My instructor gave the ready sign,

assuring me that he would be guiding me all the way. I closed my eyes,

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WRITING ESSAYS

140 Part One • How to Read and Write in College

and we jumped out of the plane together. It felt as if we were dropping

very fast. I opened my eyes and saw that,

in fact,

we were. I panicked

a little, fearing that the parachute wouldn’t open or that my instructor

would activate it too late, and we’d be killed.

I was

also

euphoric. My instructor opened the chute, and we just

glided silently through the air. It was like ﬂ ying. It was very peaceful and

almost religious. I had never felt this way and knew that this was an im-

portant experience.

We landed, and I was proud of myself. It had taken a lot of courage

to jump and to trust my life to another individual, my instructor. I had

done it and done it well. I had beneﬁ ted from the experience, mentally

and spiritually. It was so thrilling and wonderful I probably won’t do it

again for fear that the second time would be an anticlimax. Do it!

Revise Your Own Essay

Before selecting a writing assignment, read how Derek Johnson, the stu-

dent whose writing you saw in Chapter 5 as he developed a thesis, revised

his draft essay. Look at the changes that Derek made in his revised essay.

They are highlighted in bold.

DRAFT

The Apprentice is an example of good reality television, where

viewers can learn many useful lessons about the business world,

such as how to dress, what real-world business situations are like,

and how to solve problems. Many people criticize reality TV for

putting people into unrealistic situations. This criticism is true of

programs like Fear Factor and The Swan, which are for entertain-

ment only. But The Apprentice is both entertaining and educational.

Viewers of The Apprentice can learn how to dress for the business

world. All of the candidates are very well dressed in a formal sense.

They all wear suits at the beginning and are very neat.

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WRITING ESSAYS

Chapter 9 • Revising Your Draft 141

Also, viewers can learn about real-world business situations.

For example, people have to work together in teams. They have to

elect a team leader and that person is responsible for the results of

the team. And the winning team doesn’t win because it is faster but

because it uses better strategies. The team is creative. This is true of

everything from running a lemonade stand to coming up with a mar-

keting campaign for an airline.

Finally, viewers can learn about problem solving in business.

People on the show can’t just say they have a problem and expect

someone else to ﬁ x it. They have to ﬁ gure out how to deal with the

problem as a team. Like in the last episode, Bill was running a golf

tournament and the sponsor’s sign didn’t show up. And Kwame was

running a casino event starring Jessica Simpson, who got lost on the

way to the event.

Some reality television is really useless, but The Apprentice gives

viewers an opportunity to learn about business while they are being

entertained. In fact, several business school programs have used The

Apprentice episodes as case studies. I wish there were more of this

kind of television.

REVISED (changes in bold)

Many people criticize reality TV for putting people into unrealistic

situations. Although this criticism may be true of programs like Fear

Factor and The Swan, which are for entertainment only, it does not apply

to The Apprentice, which is entertaining and educational. The Apprentice

is an example of good reality television, where viewers can learn many

useful lessons about the business world, such as how to dress, what

real-world business situations are like, and how to solve problems.

One good lesson viewers of The Apprentice can learn is how

to dress for the business world. All of the candidates are very well

dressed in a formal sense. For example, they all wear suits at the

beginning, and they are very neat. The women do not wear big

jewelry or have messy hairstyles. Similarly, the men do not

have long hair or visible piercings. Seeing how the Appren-

tice contestants dress made me realize that people can’t wear

Thesis (under-

lined) links to

lessons des-

cribed in later

paragraphs;

introduction

reorganized to

build to main

point

Links to thesis

continued

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WRITING ESSAYS

142 Part One • How to Read and Write in College

everyday clothing at work. Before seeing The Apprentice, I

didn’t know that about business.

Another lesson I learned from The Apprentice is that real-

world business situations often require people to work together

in teams. First, the group members have to elect a team leader

who is responsible for the results of the team. Then they have

to learn how to work well together. They learn to pool their

ideas and listen to each other. Also, they learn to think criti-

cally together. The winning team doesn’t win because it is faster

but because it uses better strategies. In addition, the team is cre-

ative. Good teamwork is important in every situation, from

running a lemonade stand to coming up with a marketing campaign

for an airline. Before seeing The Apprentice, I didn’t know how

important teamwork was.

The most important lesson I learned was about problem

solving in business. People on the show can’t just say they have a

problem and expect someone else to ﬁ x it. They have to ﬁ gure out

how to deal with the problem as a team. For example, in the last

episode, Bill was running a golf tournament and the sponsor’s sign

didn’t show up. Instead of panicking and yelling at other people,

he organized a search and ﬁ nally found the sign in a Dump-

ster. And Kwame, the other remaining contestant, was running

a casino event starring Jessica Simpson, who got lost on the way

to the event. Kwame stayed calm as usual and logically made

a list of people to contact for information. Even though the

problem seemed unsolvable and disaster inevitable, Kwame’s

strategy worked, and Jessica Simpson was found in time for

the show. I know now that getting mad and panicking does not

help solve a problem.

With all that I have learned from watching The Appren-

tice, I truly believe that it is a worthwhile and educational

reality TV program. Some reality television is really useless, but

Links to thesis

■ TEACHING TIP

As an additional

practice, have students

read Carson Williams's

draft in Chapter 8

(pp. 122–23). Then ask

them to list at least

three revisions that

would strengthen

Carson's paper.

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WRITING ESSAYS

Chapter 9 • Revising Your Draft 143

The Apprentice gives viewers an opportunity to learn about business

while they are being entertained. In fact, several business school pro-

grams have used The Apprentice episodes as case studies. I wish there

were more of this kind of television.

■ TEACHING TIP

Make revision concrete

by challenging students

to ﬁ nd at least one

place in their drafts

where detail can be

added and at least one

place where a transi-

tion can be added.

REVISING ASSIGNMENT

Revise an essay using the draft you developed in Chapter 8. Before revising,

read the following Critical Thinking box.

CRITICAL THINKING: REVISING YOUR ESSAY

FOCUS

• After a break, reread your draft with a fresh perspective.

ASK

• What’s my point or position? Does my thesis statement clearly state

my main point?

• Does my essay have the following?

— An introductory paragraph

— Three or more body paragraphs

— A topic sentence for each paragraph that supports the main point

— A forceful concluding paragraph that reminds my readers of my

main point and makes an observation

• Does my essay have unity?

— Do all of the support points relate directly to my main point?

— Do all the supporting details in each body paragraph relate to

the paragraph’s topic sentence?

— Have I avoided drifting away from my main point?

• Do I have enough support?

— Taken together, do the topic sentences of each paragraph give

enough support or evidence for the main point?

— Do individual paragraphs support their topic sentences?

— Would more detail strengthen my support?

• Is my essay coherent?

— Have I used transitional words to link ideas?

— Have I used transitional sentences to link paragraphs?

REVISE

• Revise your draft, making any improvements you can.

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WRITING ESSAYS

Part Two

Writing

Different Kinds

of Essays

10. Narration 147

11. Illustration 167

12. Description 185

13. Process Analysis 202

14. Classiﬁ cation 218

15. Deﬁ nition 236

16. Comparison and Contrast 252

17. Cause and Effect 272

18. Argument 290

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