Anker Susan. Real Essays with Readings with 2009 MLA Update

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WRITING ESSAYS

Chapter 8 • Writing a Draft 117

BASICS OF A GOOD CONCLUSION

• It should refer to your main point.

• It should brieﬂ y summarize the support you have developed.

• It should make a ﬁ nal observation.

A good way to end an essay is to refer back to something in the intro-

duction.

• If you asked a question, ask it again, and answer it based on what

you’ve said in your essay.

• If you started a story, ﬁ nish it.

• If you used a quotation, use another one — by the same person or by

another person on the same topic. Or refer back to the quotation in the

introduction, and make an observation.

• If you stated a surprising fact or idea, go back to it and comment on it,

using what you have written in the body of the essay.

• Remind your reader of your original point, perhaps repeating key words

that you used in your introduction.

Look again at three of the introductions you read earlier, each shown

here with its conclusion.

OPEN WITH A QUOTATION

INTRODUCTION A: “Grow where you are planted” is an old proverb that is

a metaphor for living. Although I had heard it before, it took me many

years to understand and appreciate its meaning. If I had listened to that

proverb earlier, I would have saved myself and others many painful

experiences.

CONCLUSION A: Finally, I have learned to grow where I am planted, to

appreciate the good things in my life rather than look for the bad and

be angry. I have learned to take advantage of the many opportunities I

have for personal and professional growth, right here and now. And I

have vowed to help others around me grow also. My life is much richer

now that I follow that old wisdom, and I will pass its lesson on to my

children.

— Teresa Fiori, “Appreciate What You Have”

START WITH A STRONG OPINION OR POSITION

INTRODUCTION B: Sex sells. This truth is a boon for marketing gurus

and the pornography industry but a rather unfortunate situation

for women. Every issue of Playboy, every lewd poster, and even the

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WRITING ESSAYS

118 Part One • How to Read and Write in College

Victoria’s Secret catalog transform real women into ornaments,

valued exclusively for their outward appearance. These publications

are responsible for deﬁ ning what is sexy and reinforce the belief that

aesthetic appeal is a woman’s highest virtue.

CONCLUSION B: Women are up against a long history of devaluation and

oppression, and, unfortunately, the feminist movements have been only

partially successful in purging those legacies. Sexually charged images of

women in the media are not the only cause of this continuing problem,

but they certainly play a central role.

— Amy L. Beck, “Struggling for Perfection”

ASK A QUESTION

INTRODUCTION C: If you’re a man, at some point a woman will ask you

how she looks. “How do I look?” she’ll ask.

You must be careful how you answer this question. The best tech-

nique is to form an honest yet sensitive opinion, then collapse on the

ﬂ oor with some kind of fatal seizure. Trust me, this is the easiest way

out. You will never come up with the right answer.

CONCLUSION C: To go back to my main point: If you’re a man, and a

woman asks you how she looks, you’re in big trouble. Obviously, you

can’t say she looks bad. But you also can’t say that she looks great, be-

cause she’ll think you’re lying, because she has spent countless hours,

with the help of the multibillion-dollar beauty industry, obsessing about

the differences between herself and Cindy Crawford. Also, she suspects

that you’re not qualiﬁ ed to judge anybody’s appearance. This is because

you have shaving cream in your hair.

— Dave Barry, “The Ugly Truth about Beauty”

PRACTICE 6 ANALYZE CONCLUSIONS

After reading the paired introductions and conclusions above, indicate the

techniques used in each conclusion to refer back to its introduction.

A. Technique used to link introduction and conclusion:

Reference back to

a quotation

B. Technique used to link introduction and conclusion:

Restatement of

main idea

C. Technique used to link introduction and conclusion:

Repetition of key

words and restatement of main idea

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WRITING ESSAYS

Chapter 8 • Writing a Draft 119

■ TEAMWORK

Collect the examples

students bring in, sepa-

rate the introductions

from the conclusions,

and then scramble

them. In a later class,

have students work in

small groups to match

introductions and

conclusions.

■ TEAMWORK

Have students share

their own drafts in

small groups, exchang-

ing comments and

suggestions with group

members. Students can

use the Critical Think-

ing guide on page 124

as a prompt for discuss-

ing their drafts.

PRACTICE 7 IDENTIFY GOOD INTRODUCTIONS

AND CONCLUSIONS

In a newspaper, magazine, or any other written material, ﬁ nd a piece of writ-

ing that has both a strong introduction and a strong conclusion. Answer the

following questions about the introduction and conclusion.

1. What method of introduction is used?

Answers will vary.

2. What does the conclusion do? Does it restate the main idea? Sum up the

points made in the piece? Make an observation? _______________________

____________________________________________________________________

3. How are the introduction and the conclusion linked? __________________

_____________________________________________________________________

PRACTICE 8 WRITE A CONCLUSION

Read the following introductory paragraphs, and write a possible conclusion

for each one. Your conclusions can be brief, but they should each include the

basics of a good conclusion (p. 117) and consist of several sentences.

1. INTRODUCTION: When it comes to long-term love relationships, I very

much believe Anton Chekhov’s statement, “Any idiot can face a crisis;

it’s the day-to-day living that wears you out.” When faced with a crisis,

couples often pull together. A crisis is a slap in the face that reminds you

of who and what is important in your life. It is the routine necessities of

living that can erode a relationship as couples argue over who does the

laundry, who does the cleaning, or cooking, or bill paying. The constant

skirmishes over day-to-day living can do more serious damage over the

long term than a crisis.

CONCLUSION:

Answers will vary.

2. INTRODUCTION: Why do so many people feel that they must be available at

all times and in all places? Until recently, the only way you could reach

someone was by telephone or by mail. Now if you don’t have a cell phone,

an e-mail account, a beeper, and call waiting, people trying to reach you

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WRITING ESSAYS

120 Part One • How to Read and Write in College

get annoyed. To me this is just a loss of privacy. I don’t want to be avail-

able twenty-four hours a day.

CONCLUSION:

Answers will vary.

Title Your Essay

Even if your title is the last part of the essay you write, it is the ﬁ rst thing

that readers read. Use your title to get your readers’ attention and to tell

them what your essay is about. Use concrete, speciﬁ c words to name the

topic of your essay.

BASICS OF A GOOD ESSAY TITLE

• It makes readers want to read the essay.

• It does not repeat the wording in your thesis statement.

• It may hint at the main point but does not necessarily state it outright.

One way to ﬁ nd a good title is to consider the type of essay you are writ-

ing. If you are writing an argument (as you will in Chapter 18), state your

position in your title. If you are telling your readers how to do something

(as you will in Chapter 13), try using the term steps or how to in the title.

This way, your readers will know immediately both what you are writing

about and how you will present it. For example, “Five Steps to Financial

Independence” may be a more inviting and more accurate title for a pro-

cess analysis essay than “Financial Independence.”

Language Note: A title is centered on the line above the ﬁ rst line

of a paragraph or essay. The ﬁ rst letter of most words in a title

should be capitalized. (See p. 717 for more details.)

PRACTICE 9 WRITE A TITLE

Read the following introductory paragraphs, and write a possible title for the

essay each one begins. The ﬁ rst one is done as an example. Be prepared to

explain why you worded each title as you did.

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WRITING ESSAYS

Chapter 8 • Writing a Draft 121

EXAMPLE: The origin of this species of rant was a toothbrush — a

new toothbrush that came with an instructional DVD. The user

of this advanced piece of dental equipment had been brushing his

teeth lo these many years without any educational aids at all. But

now he was the proud owner of an IntelliCleanSystem equipped

with packets of paste to be downloaded into the toothbrush’s hard

drive.

POSSIBLE TITLE:

Making Life Better through Technology

1. It is easy to take cheap shots at the owners of cellular phones. But before

doing so, you should determine to which of the ﬁ ve following categories

they belong.

POSSIBLE TITLE:

Answers will vary.

2. With the same ethological methods they have long used in studies of

animals, scientists are turning their attention to the nuances of human

courtship rituals — otherwise known as ﬂ irting.

POSSIBLE TITLE:

_______________________________________________________

3. Is a girl called Gloria apt to be better-looking than one called Bertha?

Are criminals more likely to be dark than blond? Can you tell a good

deal about someone’s personality from hearing his voice brieﬂ y over the

phone? Can a person’s nationality be pretty accurately guessed from his

photograph? Does the fact that someone wears glasses imply that he is

intelligent?

The answer to all these questions is obviously, “No.”

Yet, from all the evidence at hand, most of us believe these things.

POSSIBLE TITLE:

_______________________________________________________

Write Your Own Draft

Before selecting a writing assignment, read a sample draft by one student,

Carson Williams. In Chapter 6, you saw how Carson developed support

for this paper. Look back at his ﬁ nal list of primary support points and

supporting details (pp. 97–98) and notice what he has kept and what he

has changed.

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WRITING ESSAYS

122 Part One • How to Read and Write in College

Different but in Love

Although my girlfriend, Carly, and I are in love, we have some

very different ideas about what a “good” relationship is. We both

have expectations, but hers demand more of me while mine require

very little of her or of me. While you might think these levels of ex-

pectations would ﬁ t together perfectly (one expects a lot, the other

very little), they often cause conﬂ ict and misunderstanding (mostly

on her part).

One big difference is in our expectations about communication.

Carly always wants to talk. She asks me what I’m thinking about

when I’m quiet. If I just don’t feel like talking, she imagines I’m in

a bad mood or mad about something. Or she gets mad. She wants

to talk a lot about our relationship, and I don’t have anything to say

about it: It’s ﬁ ne. What else would I want to talk about? One ques-

tion she asks a lot is how I “feel” about something. That question

makes me never want to open my mouth again. I don’t think much

about how I feel, and I really don’t want to have to talk about the

subject. Carly wants to keep the communication up 24/7, or she

thinks something is wrong. I like a little peace and quiet.

Another difference is how and where we show affection. Carly

wants to be openly affectionate all the time, like holding hands wher-

ever we are and kissing. While we’re holding hands or kissing, she

expects me to tell her I love her all the time. I don’t understand why

that is necessary: If I’ve already told her I love her, why does she

need to hear it again and again? I haven’t changed my mind. And

sometimes I just want to walk without holding hands; that doesn’t

mean I don’t love her. Carly expects that love should be reinforced

every day, while I think once it’s said, it’s out there until something

big changes.

A ﬁ nal difference is our expectations about how a couple in a

“good” relationship should spend time. We’re both busy people,

with jobs and classes. When I have free time, I like to watch sports

Introduction

with thesis

(double-

underlined)

Body

paragraphs

(with topic

sentences

underlined)

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WRITING ESSAYS

Chapter 8 • Writing a Draft 123

on television. Carly hates TV sports and wants to go out and do

things. Mostly she wants to go shopping and talk about our future,

like what she’d like for our house. I hate shopping and get bored. Or

I get annoyed when she wants to try clothes on for me. I just have to

sit there in the ladies’ department doing nothing until she comes out.

Then I’m supposed to be enthusiastic about whatever she has on.

But she never believes what I say. She’ll always ask, “Do you really

like it, or are you lying?” “Are you sure?”

At times like these, I often think I’d rather go out with the

guys, who just let me be who I am. But I really do love Carly, and

I’m beginning to understand that even though she and I have dif-

ferent expectations, we can still be happy together if we learn to

accept — and even appreciate — those differences.

WRITING ASSIGNMENT

Write a draft essay using the outline you developed in Chapter 7 or one of the

following thesis statements.

These days, teenagers do not do much traditional dating.

Although cartoons are typically intended to entertain, they may also

have important messages.

The most important skills a college student should have are

___________________________________________.

My college professor does not understand that ____________________.

Living with roommates requires __________________________________.

Before writing, read the Critical Thinking box on page 124.

Conclusion

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WRITING ESSAYS

124 Part One • How to Read and Write in College

CRITICAL THINKING: WRITING A DRAFT ESSAY

FOCUS

• Reread your outline for the essay.

ASK

• Is my thesis clear?

• Are there topic sentences for each body paragraph?

• Do I have supporting details for each topic sentence?

• Is my support arranged in a logical order?

• What introductory technique will get my readers’ attention and

make my point stand out?

• How can I use the conclusion for one last chance to make my

point?

• How can I link my conclusion to my introduction? What is the

strongest or most interesting part of the introduction that I might

refer back to in my conclusion?

• Will my title make readers want to read my essay?

WRITE

• Write a draft essay.

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125

You Know This

You already revise in your everyday

life.

• You get dressed and then change

because something doesn’t look

right.

• You rework

your résumé

each time

you look

for a better

position.

Understand What Revision Is

Revising is looking for ways to make your ideas clearer, stronger, and

more convincing. When revising, you might add, cut, move, or change

whole sentences or paragraphs.

Editing is correcting problems with grammar, style, usage, and punc-

tuation. While editing, you usually add, cut, or change words and phrases

instead of whole sentences or paragraphs (as you might while revising).

Revising and editing are two different ways to improve a paper. Most

writers ﬁ nd it difﬁ cult to do both at once. It is easier to look ﬁ rst at the

ideas in your essay (revising) and then to look at the individual words

and sentences (editing). Revising is covered in this chapter, and editing is

covered in Chapters 22–41.

No one gets everything right in a draft — even professional writers

need to revise. The tips below will help you with the revising process.

TIPS FOR REVISING

• Take a break from your draft — set it aside for a few hours or a

whole day.

• Read your draft aloud, and listen to what you have written.

• Imagine yourself as one of your readers.

• Get feedback from a friend, a classmate, or a colleague (see the next

section of this chapter).

• Get help from a tutor at your college writing center or lab.

Revising Your Draft

Improving Your Essay

■ IDEA JOURNAL

Write about a time

you wish you’d said

or done something

differently, what

those differences

would have been, and

why you think they

would have served

your purpose better.

■

TEACHING TIP

Stress to students that

revision is not just

copying a draft over

neatly. It is rethinking,

digging more deeply,

and making it more

powerful.

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WRITING ESSAYS

126 Part One • How to Read and Write in College

You may need to read what you have written several times before de-

ciding what changes would improve it. Remember to consider your audi-

ence (the people who will read your essay) and your purpose (your reason

for writing it).

Understand What Peer Review Is

Peer review is the exchange of feedback on a piece of writing among fel-

low students, colleagues, or friends. Getting comments from a peer is a

good way to begin revising your essay.

Other people can look at your work and see things that you might

not — parts that are good as well as parts that need more explanation or

evidence. The best reviewers are honest about parts that could be better

but also sensitive to the writer’s feelings. In addition, they are speciﬁ c.

Reviewers who say a paper is “great” without offering further comment

do not help writers improve their work.

BASICS OF USEFUL FEEDBACK

• It is given in a positive way.

• It is speciﬁ c.

• It offers suggestions.

• It may be given orally or in writing.

To get useful feedback, ﬁ nd a partner and exchange papers. Each

partner should read the other’s paper and jot down a few comments. The

ﬁ rst time someone comments on what you have written, you may feel a

little embarrassed, but you will feel better about the process once you see

how your writing beneﬁ ts from the comments.

The following box shows questions peer reviewers might consider as

they read a draft.

■ ESL: Suggest to ESL

students that revision

can help them improve

their ﬂ uency in aca-

demic English. Often,

working to clarify an

idea for the reader can

improve the grammar

and syntax in the paper

as a whole.

■

RESOURCES

Consider using Com-

ment, a Web-based

peer-review tool avail-

able with this book.

Peer review guides for

all Part Two chapters

are available online

at bedfordstmartins

.com/realessays.

■

TEAMWORK

To model peer re-

view, bring in a short

paragraph or essay,

and have students

work with a partner

to answer the eight

“Questions for Peer

Reviewers.” Then, dis-

cuss the answers as a

class. If possible, invite

a writing center peer

tutor to class to help

facilitate discussion.

Questions for Peer Reviewers

1. What is the main point?

2. After reading the introductory paragraph, do you have an idea of

what the essay will cover, and why?

3. How could the introduction be more interesting?

■ For more on

purpose and audience,

see Chapter 3.

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