112 Consumer.ology
known, the arguably more useful functional and structural variants
less so – it has far-reaching implications for the accuracy of research.
What Berne realized was that there were distinct packages of
thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that any one person could exhibit
in response to the nature of the interpersonal exchange taking place
at the time.
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In other words, how someone is spoken to can cause
them to think and behave differently.
I find that ego states – or, as I prefer to think of them,
“frames of mind” – are easiest to understand through observing
other people. One of the best examples I have experienced was at
a Seniors Tennis event at the Royal Albert Hall. Having watched a
hugely entertaining and closely contested match from very close to
the action (I was seated in the front row, virtually next to a line
judge), I decided on impulse to see if I could get my program
signed for my young tennis-playing son by one of the most famous
tennis players of all time, John McEnroe. The layout of the venue
provides a great opportunity to intercept the players as they leave
the auditorium: they pass through the circle seats and walk through
the public corridor running around the perimeter. In my Free
Child mindset I was excited and happy; I’d really enjoyed the
match and wanted a token of that to share the following morning
with my son, who at 4 was too young to attend the event. Just
three of us waited for McEnroe to intercept him as he passed
through: me, another man about my age, and a young boy, of per-
haps 8 or 9 years of age. From the appearance of the others I’m
sure they were as excited as me – our thoughts, feelings, and behavior
were very much aligned, we were in the same ego state.
There was a problem, however. McEnroe had lost his match
to Paul Haarhuis and he wasn’t happy. He was angry, very angry.
As he stomped by us the other two held out their programs. I could
see trouble brewing and stood back, slipping my own program and
pen behind my back. McEnroe went into a Controlling Parent
mode
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and pushed past the man, muttering angrily, a mostly
“inner” voice berating himself for having lost the match. However,
when he saw the child he switched briefly into a Nurturing Parent
mode. He appeared happy to vent his anger at losing the match at
the man, but at an unconscious level didn’t want to take it out on